I never been so long without writing. But everyday I would remember you, and that I had to write to you… But “because time doesn’t run in my favor and doesn’t stop, doesn’t stop, doesn’t stop running…” (as the poet António Cova from Assassínicos, said), I stagger behind time to see if I can recover the rhythm I had. I’m like a tramp dog trying to catch the cars, just to reach them and think “I’m really fast!”. I don’t realize that I do things slower… but I see the car so close to me! I always thing “This is it!”, and when there is only one centimeter left to reach it, my left side refuses to continue. And then I remember. Remember everything that happened. Not miffed; sometimes annoyed for not being free as I desire (I never was patient), but now that I took a decision, things seem lighter, more easy to endure. I shall throw myself to the beasts. I shall return to Caldas.
This decision was really well thought of. Part of me is afraid of restarting, doing everything for myself, having responsibilities again. But by the other side that’s really what I want. I’m frightened but full of desire to hug the world, my world, not a world that was mine but doesn’t belong to me anymore. I must have the courage to move to another house, but mainly to move to another Hospital. But I have the support of every therapist that worked with me; I must get out of home. I’m feeling distressed for being in Marinha Grande, even with work to do. I must walk this step towards my independence, learning to dodge the difficulties, having my own space – I feel oppressed in this shell of glass that my family putted me in. I understand their fears, but it is time for the bird to depart, even if it flies in a different way.
PLANS
So for the first time I have planes. I realized I like to live with a little stress around me… maybe that’s what makes me feel alive, I don’t know. This blog should be called “RE-BORN”, not “Re-Cover”, because I feel like I’ve been reborn, not only physically but mainly mentally and spiritually.
But back to the plans. I stop working on 19th July. On 4th July I’m going to Lisbon to make part of the project Spectator’s Opportunity (I’ll do a note explaining what it is). From the time that is left until August I’ll search for a home near the hospital center of Caldas da Rainha. There I don’t know how it will be. I don’t know if there will be any Masters on ESAD (my old school), but if they do not exist, I shall go work. I will live there until I am fully recovered, but life is unpredictable so I don’t trust 100% on plans. Lots of things may happen, but I’ll wait about 2 years to recover completely. If I don’t recover completely I will have deficits.
HOPE
I was sad for a time, blue with the weather. I think that, for instants, I didn’t believe that I would recover more than how I am. Unconsciously I prepared everyone for that possibility (see “Freak Show”), but suddenly I felt something was changing, didn’t know what. From a moment to another I was walking almost perfectly; from a moment to another my hand became more available, doing stuff more automatically (although not doing them perfectly). My therapists said that it was the profound sensibility that was probably returning. From a moment to another I thought that there could still be hope. I remembered the words from my neurologist “oh, she will recover fully…”
I must believe in that every moment, every second…
NOTE
This blog is a plan inserted in the project “The Spectator’s Opportunity”, from the creator (or destroyer, hehe) Rogério Nuno Costa. For now, I’m only collecting data, memories, etc, that may help to the creation of something (a video, a performance…). I suggest, if you are interested in knowing more, to go to vouatuacasa.blogspot.com. Sorry not to explain it better, but it’s all in there, and it bores me to do copy-paste. I’ve done lots of that in school.
Time to live. As my therapist Alice says, I can’t continue living for the therapy. And, I confess to you… every moment I have is only and exclusively dedicated to one thing that I don’t do decently for some years (and that I thought stupid at the time.. oh well..)
BEACH!!!
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